When it Rains..it Pours..

11:06..a hot sunny day in my room...sitting in front of a computer with occasional throbs of pain shooting from my knee to the whole of my left leg. wondering what tomorrow will bring..normally i would just sit or lie down in the bed whole day using my crutch as a remote for the TV..but then again i was overcame by my desire to write something to day..to a blog that no one really cares about... and no one really knows that exist but me..a horrible tribute to my life in this earth. only a handful of people knows me..and a "handful-from-that-handful" cares..then again i don't really care. i don't expect others to care. its normal for me to get the least amount of 'life's good stuff' to care. in fact I've been living this way all my life that i find comfort in it. comfort that no one cares about me. comfort that i will be left alone. comfort that no matter what i do will amount to nothing.

it has been 6 days since i was stuck in this room. normal people will seldom say it but i had fun being stuck in this quadrilateral space. i mean i can do what i want.. and that is NOT to go to my company and work. but days passed on i suddenly felt very depressed. how useless and invalid i have been. now i can not even go to work to earn a meager living..it sucks but i have to say it.. i miss my work.. my stupid.. pathetic degrading unfulfilling slave BPO work..and do you know why? because that pathetic excuse for a company that i know will not get me anywhere is the only company that accepted me.. ME...an underachiever idiot.. and a loser... maybe that is the reason why i have now considerable patience in dealing with people in my company. i am now less irritated and less bothered by their 'high school-ish' antics..you know why? because we're all the same. we're all stuck in this slave labor. we're all losers. and I AM ONE OF THEM. we all know the same things.. we all do the same things.. and god forbid we will achieve the same things...things that does not really matter.. things that will fade away like a foam on the sands in a retreating sea.

as much as i rant about it.. as much as i fight.. as i hate...it is the only thing that i know..and it sucks.. sucks so bad because i find myself AGAIN in the middle of two opposing forces..stuck YET AGAIN in a situation that I do not like..but amidst that very uncomfortable situation i formed a shell...a box where i can be comfortable.. and i found comfort in it.. just the same as i found my comfort in my family's 'past problems'..then again.. as much as i find it comforting to be the way i am i know that this will not suffice. this technique will not work again.. i am now an adult. a man that will someday build his own family. build his own home and build his own road to life..

the question is... do i have what it takes?

*not shown in the blog but i took a rest and spent a good amount of time thinking*

after careful thinking..yes. i have what it takes..simply because i am a very resilient man. i can take a 'SHITLOAD' of pain OUTSIDE and INSIDE. i remember the day when i just had my accident.. ofcourse the 'blessed' filipinos *Ako'y Isang Mabuting Pilipino playing in the background* on the jeepney LAUGHED at me when i fell down KNEE FIRST *naturally absorbing all the force of my goddamn FAT body which can be expressed as F=ma* from the back of an FX. Even though it hurts like hell from the outside and my emotions are being ripped apart from the inside...*believe me it hurts like hell. my face still grimace thinking about it* i got up.wiped the mud off my pants..then with every HELL shooting from my knee radiating itself all over my leg..walked to the waiting shuttle to my work..i lifted my leg..*which hurts as an EXTRA FIERY HELL X2* to get on the shuttle and logged in. i rested a bit..then climbed the stairs to the fourth floor..i endured it all because i thought that "Well..there's nothing i can do but endure this shit..might as well finish this day.".....and if that's not enough.. BASYANG HAS TO COME IN AND FUCK ME...ain't life peachy!?? Honestly i never ever felt this 'challenged'..my ligaments on my knee is screaming, and trashing, and fucking my whole body..and now i have to deal and struggle from all of this with a FUCKING STORM! WOW...now that's great!...that's life.. that's MY LIFE! As the saying goes.. when it rains it pours....well its okay if its raining good stuff...too bad for me.. the saying only applies not to the bad stuff...BUT THE FUCKED-UP Stuff! Yeah. Great. Well.. as i peer into the howling night with all of my co-employees stranded in the front of our company..i can not help but smile..thinking what i have done wrong to deserved to be fucked like this.. then again.. i said to my friend "REPA! We will not give up without a fight! Kapag medyo humina na ang hangin pumunta na tayo sa motor mo at umalis na tayo!".. with a determined looked on his face..he agreed.. the wind died down for a bit.. we immediately got passed all the normal people looking on in the night like scared puppies right out from a womb and braved the night..ofcourse it still hurts like hell..and now i found out that the only reason why it didn't hurt just as bad as THIS NIGHT is because of the adrenaline.. NOW im walking in a middle of the wrath of basyang with chaos going on all around me with TWICE as HELL shooting from my knee! wow again..then again i thought.. "GOD DAMN! I WILL GET HOME!" so i walked..inch by inch soaked with rain and wind pressing against me until i get to my friend.. i got to his scooter lifting my legs yet again..*QUADRUPLE PAIN* and rode through the flooded streets with every bump hammering my knee like a blacksmith hammering a sword..god it hurts..so much..i have never felt this kind of pain in all my life..yet i endured..i got down from the scooter..thanked my friend and struggled to stand and wait for a ride home...eventually with all the pain and fucking..a familiar street comes to my horizon..it is home.. with the wind and rain bashing me with all her might..i walked on..i walked on inch by inch until i got to my room..until i saw a familiar face...with a smile..reaching and hugging me...i thought "Thank God I am Home."

so there it is..i know that i can do this.i can change. i can overcome all of the SHIT that life throws at me because of all the people i know..no one has experienced more SHIT than I have. From Grade 2 until now..LIFE is still fucking me but i DON'T CARE. i will endure and i will always come back smiling.=)

P.S.
Thanks to my beautiful and loving girlfriend, without you i will not have the energy to keep on fighting for the future.

And to my Bestfriend *i hope i can call you that repa.* Thank You. Without you i will never have the guts to face and enjoy the present. I wish you and your girlfriend a happy future.