Demons

22:48 night has come yet again..the usual chatter surround the vehicle as it snakes the long winding road to lawton. the usual traffic... the usual faces..the usual eyes..some eager..some not..but almost always empty.

the usual as always..i divert my eyes to the streets ahead..looking at the pale yellow glow of street lights..looking at the strips of yellow paints in the road..looking at the people who wanders at night..but somehow they all look the same..

same as always..maybe it will be the same all over again..but this time maybe i'll do something to change it..i'll start something to make it right..maybe just maybe..

as i went down from the fx..look left and right to the passing lights and make my way through the cars and crowd i remember something that i used to do when i was a child...i used to...naaah its just too stupid to write..

then i found myself looking again at the lights waiting for a ride home..then i remember that i used too..

again stupid and pointless..im in another fx on the way home.. then i remember that i used to be so..happy. there i said it.. im used to be so happy almost all the time..perhaps it is because of innocence, perhaps i was just a happy person..or at least i could have been. then again..it is all in the past..there is nothing i can do to turn back what once was...

time..present..past..future..present. im stuck at present..yet glued to the past...whilst eyes fixed to the future..perhaps if my past was different..perhaps. then again it is all over now. tomorrow it will be the same..unless i change.

change..a funny word..with a funny note on the heart..somehow the word 'change' is ironic.. it is simple enough to say..but hard to do..

will it be the same over and over again? will i fear the same thing that i have feared when i was child? shall i do nothing but gaze at the future? or reach it.. to face it..to face the fears that has been plaguing my mind since i have known the truth. the truth about myself.. the part of me that shall forever be my enemy..my nemesis..my rival until the day i die..a war has been going on inside my head.. it seems that it has been going on for a very long time..a war that consumed my innocence, my happiness, my will..an eternal war where no one can be a victor..myself against myself.. fear..

we all have our demons..but this time..i will stand up. i will face them one-by-one..perhaps i can shed some light to the shadows..perhaps i can convince some of my demons to leave..perhaps i can now begin the trek from the past to the present and dream for a better future. perhaps this time we can have a truce..perhaps..